Reflections: Arsenic and Old Lace

Remember this? Maybe not, and I wouldn't blame you. It's been a while since I've done one of these posts, so I'll quote my own initial description of what these are supposed to be.

Very few people are quite as attached to high school as I am. I can't quite explain how I feel about it. The best I can do is explain some of the most memorable experiences I've had here. Hopefully my love for TJ will become apparent in a way that I don't have the ability to straight up write about.

It was through this line of thinking that the "Reflections" series idea was born. I'm going to detail some of the best and worst (but in retrospect hilarious) things that have happened to me during my 4 years here.

This particular post centers around the time spent producing the play "Arsenic and Old Lace" after APs in Hum II, junior year.

Arsenic and Old Lace. I hadn't heard of it either. Nor I had I read a decent chunk of it, like we were supposed to (I think senioritis was already setting in at that time). We owe the choice of play to a combination of factors. First was Chris, who recommended it. Second was a certain group of people, I think consisting of Thomas Bettge, David Wu, and others, who took our first choice. Death of a Salesman, while probably a more moving and sad story, would not have provided half the entertainment out actual choice did, at least in my opinion. Finally, we owe the sanity of our entire class, who decided that "The Crucible" would in fact not be one of the choices. If this had been the case, Arvind would have forced us into it. And we would have died of boredom. Don't pretend it isn't true, Arvind.

So our group was formed. Let me see if I can get this right, because I unfortunately left my script at home. I think the group members were myself, Chris, Arvind, Mike Eng, Kyle, Eric, Mike Kim, Grace, and Sarah. Chris and Arvind were the ... self-appointed directors of our production. Who knows how they pulled that one off. I'm not sure how they managed to sell it to the rest of our group, either.

As for our roles, Mike Kim was cast as the hero, Mortimer Brewster. Grace and Sarah were the seemingly charming aunts, Martha and Abby. Erica was the freakishly cheerful girlfriend. Arvind and Mike Eng played a collection of characters, but Arvind's main role was as Teddy Brewster. Chris played the not-so-bright Inspector Rooney, and Kyle and I made up the dynamic duo of Jonathan Brewster and Dr. Herman Einstein.

These names probably don't mean much to you unless you have somehow miraculously heard of this play, so as a preface why don't you read the Wikipedia. Or, you could listen to my rather brief summary, as the actual plot of the play isn't really what this is about.

Warning: Spoilers. Do not read on if you don't want to be vaguely informed about how the play ends.

Essentially, the play is about the Brewster family, which consists of the aunts, Abby and Martha, and the nephews, Mortimer, Teddy, and Jonathan. However, each of these characters has some extreme peculiarity about them. Mortimer is perhaps the most sane of the bunch - his oddities aren't quite so blatant. Teddy Brewster is convinced he is Teddy Roosevelt. This means he conducts a whole host of strange activities, which I will elaborate on later. The final brother, Jonathan, is a serial killer. Dr. Herman Einstein is his assistant and personal plastic surgeon. We round out the cast with Inspector Rooney and Witherspoon, some random cop and the head of the mental institution (Happydale), respectively.

Essentially, Mortimer has a girlfriend, who is entirely useless in the overall plot of the play. She's more or less there to kick and scream. Mortimer is busying doing some nonsense when he finds out that his two sweet Aunts have been killing old men by offering them poisonous wine (hence the title of the play). He then proceeds to freak out, and matters are made worse by the arrival of his brother and assistant, who have a dead body in tow. Neither are aware at first that the other party is hiding a dead body, but eventually they both find out, creating a rather ... awkward situation, for lack of a better word. Actually, that was a terrible description, but it was close enough. In the end, Jonathan is captured and Mortimer goes off somewhere and the two Aunts continue poisoning people from the safety of the mental institution with Teddy.

Before we could actually produce the play, we had to prove that we had read it. Well, at least, that's what Mr. Green wanted you to think. I hadn't remembered to finish reading the book when the quiz rolled around, so when he asked a question concerning the very end, I was stuck. I really had no idea what happened. I just took a stab at it. I said, "finally, in the very end, Mortimer stands up to Jonathan by killing him to expel him from the house." This, as you may have noticed from my brief synopsis above, is quite clearly incorrect. Thankfully, Mr. Green didn't actually read the quizzes by that time, so I was saved from yet another 60 on a reading quiz. The play was already off to a magnificent start.

Casting? Well, at least it was better casting than my Romeo and Juliet play from freshman year. In that particular episode, we lacked any females. So, we took turns being all the characters. This led to some interesting and rather awkward roles. Lucas Carreno was cast as Juliet in the infamous balcony scene. I was cast as Juliet in the final scene, faking kissing the always-attractive Dheeraj. To top it off, Brian Schwenk was the helpful and kind Friar Lawrence. Yep, brilliant casting indeed ... but I digress.

The casting was interesting this time around as well. Mike Kim, who was supposedly playing Mortimer, girlfriend of Elaine, blatantly refused to hold Erica's hand. At best he would pull his hand within his sleeve and extend it very slightly. I felt sort of bad, but couldn't stop myself from laughing. I was strongly reminded of fourth grade, where my teacher yelled at me for not holding a girl's hand in a play we were producing. "She doesn't bite" the teacher said. Clearly she didn't know anything.

Arvind, playing the deluded Teddy Brewster, had to carry out a number of odd procedures in his acting role. First of all, he was required to yell "CHARGE!!!!" and run up the stairs. This was supposedly the equivalent of San Juan Hill, I believe (Ms. Bain would be so proud of me). He would also blow a bugle. In our actual production, I believe we procure a toy that manufactured a sound equivalent to a small child sneezing. It was pathetic. It was completely inadequate. It was hilarious.

Kyle and myself made up the team of Jonathan and Dr. Einstein. Here's the bad part: Dr. Einstein is supposed to drink a lot, and has a heavy German accent. Now, I don't know what kind of accent I used. Looking back, it was probably a combination of Indian, German (a little), Russian, and possibly some Chinese thrown in there. You'd think that by the conclusion of my third year of German I might have an idea of what a German accent sounds like, but no! What a mess that one was. In addition, memorizing my lines was nigh impossible. Dr. Einstein had an annoying habit of using something to the effect of "Eh, Chonny?" (Apparently Germans say Chonny instead of Johnny) However, it is never the same line twice. Variations include "Ach, Chonny," "No, Chonny!" "Oh, Chonny." The list goes on. I never got those right.

I think, on the whole, we made a rather convincing combination though. Kyle, being a crew member and all, looked quite intimidating. He also sounded pretty intimidating. I was just the fat Indian kid trying to tag along, barely holding in my laughter the entire time.

Rehearsals were, to say the least, a joke. I don't think we ever ran the play start to finish. Something would always get in the way - lack of motivation, laziness, or pure hilarity. Arvind and Chris did all they could, but it was just never going to work. We were having too much fun. And maybe that's why things came together the way they did.

We'll move along to Opening Night, then. Or well, our final exam of Hum 2. Life was good. Classes were over, we were about two days away from freedom. All that stood in the way was this stupid play. I think, each in our own way, we were looking forward to finally acting it out. Our practices had gotten plenty of strange looks from teachers and students in the hall. We knew it was funny. We just had to go out and execute.

And execute, we most certainly did not. Things went awry from the very beginning, when the giant stuffed Spider-man we were using as a dead body prop wouldn't fit under the desk. Planning at its finest. Soon after, Mike forgot his lines and we had to whisper them very audibly through the curtain. I also proceeded to forget some lines and skip about half a scene. Thankfully Kyle caught on pretty quickly, so I got bailed out.

But of course the most memorable and epic failure (or maybe not failure, who knows) was Arvind's infamous charge. As the play details, Teddy must run up the stairs shouting "CHARGE!!!!" To simulate this, we had a step stool leading out of sight. During Arvind's very first CHARGE, he slipped and fell, crashing to the ground and destroying roughly a quarter of our scenery. The room went silent.

Arvind was, of course, okay. Other than the fact that his face was even uglier than before, but it was hardly noticeable. Mr. Green said to Chris "I saw my career flash before my eyes..." A scary moment turned rather comical forever. I personally haven't stopped taunting Arvind about that particular one. And for his part, he hasn't forgotten the play either. At some point during the play, Teddy refers to my character as "General Goethals" as part of his delusion. For some reason to this day I am titled "General Goethals the Ugly" on his Gmail chat.

The rest of the play? It went fine, at least by our standards. We all breathed a sigh of relief when we dimmed the lights for the final time as Mike raised yet another poisonous glass of wine to his lips. Junior year was over. The play was over.

But as Arvind proves, it's only over when you make it so. Those memories have lasted to this day. Memories of times failing to listen to Arvind and Chris as they tried to assert their authority over us. Memories of times laughing too hard to plausibly explain to Mr. Green that we were in fact rehearsing and not slacking. Memories of times when you could look to your left and right and find people who would laugh with you and at you, and it wouldn't bother you in the slightest.

Those days are still here, so why reminisce? Because the situation has changed to some degree. But looking past the barriers of geography and differing class schedules, everything is still there. And this is just a reminder, both to myself and everyone else, of what we're capable of.